Just What You'd Expect From a Gintama Fanfiction!
by Mystotakun
Summary: Just like the title says, this is exactly what you'd expect a Gintama fanfic to be. Humour, action, speeches, humour, references and, like every stereotypical fanfiction, sex scenes that take the mick.


_August 23, 11:25 AM_

_Odd Jobs Gin_

"Ehhh?! Whaaaaaa? We have to do WHAT now?!"

"It's just a simple fanfic Gin-san. Nothing more."

"Nonononononononono, I'm not appearing in any fanfiction! I refuse! You know what happens in fanfics, don't you Shinpachi?"

"Of course he knows what happens in fanfics, it's the only action he ever sees."

"HEY!"

"True true, therefore he should know all about the mishaps that happen in these types of things."

"You guys are totally missing the point…"

"I'm going to head out, that Madao owes me money."

"NOOOOOOOO!"

"Ow ow ow ow ow. WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA SHINPACHI?!"

"You can't leave this fanfic now!"

"Ehhhhh? Why not? It's not like the readers know who's talking anyway. All they know is that people are talking but they have no idea how many people are here. For all they know, there could only be one person here, talking to themselves."

"You do have a point Gin-san…HEY YOU! AUTHOR! You could write who is saying things!" Shinpachi shouted. "There we go, all better." He breathed a sigh of relief as I did not mention that he is cosplaying as Otsu "HEY! I'M NOT!"

"Nonsense Shinpachi." Gintoki remarked as he walked back to his chair, putting his feet up on the desk. "This is a fanfic after all, of course you're cosplaying."

"It's what you mostly do anyway." Kagura added.

"This is all wrong!" Shinpachi shouted in his usual straight man trope voice. "This fanfic has already lost complete control! And it's mostly been brought on by the author!"

"Hey Gin-chan."

"Hmmmm?"

"Because this is a fanfic, we should probably give the readers what they want, shouldn't we?" Kagura asked.

"If we want to boost the authors rating, then most probably. Typical authors, relying on someone else's characters to boost their own popularity." Gintoki remarked, criticising me.

"What exactly do readers want in a fanfic though?"

"Most people read fanfics so they can imagine their favourite fictional characters getting it on with each other, no matter who it is."

"Pthu!" Kagura spat. "Perverted readers. Are they all a bunch of Shinpachi's who can't get laid to save their lives?"

"That was unnecessary…" Shinpachi said, knowing that it was the truth. "NO IT'S NOT!"

"Yeah, they are." Gintoki remarked while picking his nose. "They need to see their favourite characters use their Tower of Babylon cos they can't use their own."

"Then we need to give that impression to our readers, right?" Kagura asked.

"Yeah, it's the only way that fanfics work."

"OK!" Kagura shouted while standing up on the settee "Then let's give these disgusting perverted readers what they want!"

"Uhhh, Kagura-chan…what are you doing?" Shinpachi asked.

"Oh Gin-san!" Kagura said in an erotic voice. "You are so sexy, please take me on the desk!"

"KAGURA-CHAN!"

"Kagura, I too find you sexy." Gintoki replied as he picked Kagura up. "We can no longer keep this sexual tension between us. I must have you."

"Gin-san…" Kagura muttered as she leant in to Gintoki and kissed him passionately on the lips.

"WHAT IS THIS AUTHOUR DOING?!" Shinpachi shouted, jealous that Kagura was kissing Gintoki and not him. "Why do you keep doing this to me?" It's funny.

The two carried on kissing as Gintoki carried Kagura over to his desk and slowly started taking her clothes off.

Kagura looked into Gintoki's eyes. "Please be gentle with my Gin-san."

"Don't worry Kagura." Gintoki smiled. "I will."

Gintoki took his own clothes off and slowly inserted his hard screwdriver inside of Kagura. Although Kagura winced in pain a little in the beginning, she soon started to feel pleasure, moaning as Gintoki continued thrusting.

"Oh Gin-san." Kagura moaned. "You feel so big inside of me. As big as the rent of have to pay."

"Kagura. You're tighter than those jeans that hipster kids wear." Gintoki said.

"Gin-san."

"Kagura."

"Gin-san!"

"Kagura!"

"GIN-SAN!"

"KAGURA!"

As the two were climaxing with each other, Gintoki ready to spurt his entire load inside of Kagura, filling her up and most certainly getting her pregnant, some unexpected visitors came in.

"Gintoki, you are shaming your samurai ways." A man's voice said from the settee. "As a samurai you should be able to last longer."

Shinpachi, who was no doubt masturbating in the corner "I WAS NOT!" looked at the man. "K-Katsura-san! Elizabeth-san!"

Elizabeth held up a sign.

"…uhhh, Elizabeth-san." Shinpachi said. "The readers can't see what you've put."

_My apologies. I'll write like this from now on._

"And another thing Gintoki." Katsura looked at Gintoki. "As a samurai you should be able to resist such temptations."

"You're just jealous that the author won't write you a fake sex scene." Gintoki smirked. "Isn't that right Zura?"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

"Zura! Come join us!" Kagura shouted. "There's always room for another."

Katsura jumped up onto the setee. "Very well Leader! I will join in this!"

_Well his opinion changed quite quickly._

Katsura ran over to Kagura and Gintoki, took his clothes off and inserted his own screwdriver into Kagura.

"Oh Zura."

"Oh Leader."

"Gin-san!"

"Kagura!"

"GIN-SAN! ZURA!"

"KAGURRRRRRRRAAAAAA!"

"IT'S NOT ZURA, IT'S KATSURRRRRRRRRAAAAA!"

As the three were climaxing with each other, GIntoki and Katsura ready to spurt their entire load inside of Kagura, filling her up and most certainly getting her pregnant, some unexpected visitors came in.

"Hold it right there!" A man's voice shouting. "This has gone on far too long!"

"H-Hijitaka-san! Kondo-san!" Shinpachi said, fulfilling his only role as being the guy who says everyone's names.

"We've heard everything!" Hijitaka shouted. "We cannot allow this to go on anymore!"

"I didn't expect you Yorozuya guys to be into this type of stuff." Kondo said.

"But it's over now." Hijitaka walked over to the three of them. "You're all coming with us."

"Nononononononononono!" Gintoki started panicking. "You can't be here right now! You have to go right now!"

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do." Hijitaka said, lighting a cigarette. "You have broken the rule of having a sex scene over four hundred and thirty words. We have to arrest you right now."

"No no no! You don't understand! This whole scene was faked! It was the author writing it! We've just been sitting here like the good people we are, right Kagura?"

"Right!" Kagura nodded. "Gin-san hasn't been able to use his instrument for a long time, plus I doubt it's as big as I said anyway."

_Looks like Gintoki is getting picked on, not Shinpachi._

"Then why were you faking it?" Kondo asked.

"We're in a fanfic Kondo-san." Shinpachi said. "We were asked to be in one, but so far it's not going very w-"

"A fanfic?" Hijitaka asked. "Why those are some of the best pieces of literature I've read. When I was Toshi I read a lot of them." He looked at Gintoki and started shouting." You're saying I can't be in a fanfic?! No way! I'm going to stay here and wait until its popularity rises! Then I'll be a star!"

"You don't understand anything, do you?!" Gintoki responded. "You know what happens in fanfictions! Characters get it on with one another!"

"And? Some authors decide to write characters like that. They write stories for their favourite characters and favourite shippings."

"Yes! But one of the most popular Gintama shippings is GintokixHijitaka!" Gintoki shouted. "You know what that means, don't you?!"

Hijitaka thought for a bit, before his face turned pale and his cigarette fell out of his mouth.

"Wait! You think the author will do that to _us_?!" Hijitaka asked.

"Exactly! It's the only way to get to the fangirls hearts."

"A fanfiction you say?" Kondo said, speaking up. "Characters get it on with one another in these things?"

"That's right Kondo-san." Hijitaka said while he put another cigarette in his mouth. "It can happen regardless of character. Characters that hate each other can get in on if the author so chooses."

"Ah, I see now. I understand!" Kondo nodded before turning to Shinpachi. "Hey Shinpachi-kun, you wouldn't know if Otae-san would be coming around here, do you?"

Shinpachi kicked Kondo in the face, sending him across the room and making him bump into Katsura, the character that is rivals with the Shinsengumi but yet none of them have noticed the other cos I was too lazy to add that in until now.

"Ah, forgive me." Kondo said.

"No no, it was all my fault." Katsura replied.

The two stared at each other for a while, unblinking.

"Oh no!" Shinpachi shouted. "It's going to get even crazier now!"

"Hey, you're…" Kondo started saying, looking at Katsura. "You're Fruit Punch Samurai!"

"It's not Fruit Punch Samurai, it's-"

Before Katsura could finish, Kagura kicked him in the face, sending him across the room and making him bump into another man who I've failed to mention is there until now.

"Ah, forgive me." Katsura said.

The man said nothing back, instead he pulled a giant bazooka from nowhere and pointed it at Hijitaka, who was busy arguing with Gintoki. The man fired a rocket out, which barely missed it's target.

"Sougo!" Hijitaka shouted. "You aimed for me then, didn't you?!"

"No, of course I didn't." Sougo said in his usual monotone voice. "Damn, missed again."

"You did aim for me! You said 'Damn, missed again.'!"

"Oh great! Sadist is here! Pthu!" Kagura said as she spat once again.

"China!" Sougo said, looking at Kagura. He pulled out his sword and pointed it at her.

"AAAAHHHHHH!" Gintoki screamed. "He pulled out his sword and pointed it at her?! That is blatantly sexual! It's started to happen! Characters who hate each other are now going to get it on!"

"Which means I now have a shot with Otae-san!" Kondo said a smile on his face as got up off the floor.

Ignoring those comments, Kagura grabbed her umbrella and started fighting Sougo.

"Kondo-san, I think it would be best we left." Hijitaka said. "We don't want this going out of hand."

"It's already out of hand…" Shinpachi sighed, trying to remind people that he is still here.

"Nonsense Toshi! If I wait here in the midst of all this madness, then Otae-san will know that I love her and she will accept me."

"No matter what you do, she will never accept you." Gintoki said, as he sat back down in his chair. "Once a Gorilla, always a Goriila."

"That might be true…" Kondo said. "But I will wait for her anyway. A man can never back down from love. No matter how many times she rejects him, a man must pick himself up and follow her until she says yes."

"That's not being a man, that's being a stalker!"

"Speaking of stalkers…" Hijitaka commented. "Doesn't your one usually pop up around this time?"

"She gave the author a notice, saying she couldn't appear until chapter three." Gintoki started picking his nose. "Something about a job or whatever."

As Gintoki, Hijitaka and Kondo were talking, Kagura and Sougo were fighting, Katsura was lying on the floor and Elizabeth was sitting on the settee like nothing was happen, a knock on the door was heard.

"I wonder who this could be?" Shinpachi asked to himself cos no-one wanted to speak to him.

He walked over to the door and opened it, there standing in front of him was a green haired robot with a mop in one hand and a letter in the other.

"Ah, Tama-san!" Shinpachi said. "What brings you here?"

"I was asked by Otose-san to deliver this letter to Gintoki-san." Tama said as she handed Shinpachi the letter. "That was all."

Shinpachi looked as Tama walked off without saying anything else. He looked at the letter and walked back inside.

"Hey Gin-san." Shinpachi walked over to Gintoki's desk and handed him the letter. "This came for you just now."

Gintoki took the letter and opened it. It was in a weird red font, one which he remembered from one New Years Day long ago.

_Hello Gintoki, how are you doing in that little place you call home?_

_I thought it was time I returned to Edo. It's been a while since I was there after all. I felt it was a bit rude for me to suddenly come back to Edo and visit you without giving you any notice._

_So here's the notice. I hope you look forward to seeing me again._

_Shinsuke Takasugi_

Gintoki looked at the letter Takasugi had sent him and threw it in the bin straight away.

"Who was the from Gin-san?" Shinpachi asked.

"From Takasugi. Looks like he's coming back." Gintoki replied.

"Ta-Takasugi?!"

"From Takasugi you say?" Katsura said as he walked up to the others. "What is he planning this time?"

"No doubt to take over the world. It's what he usually does."

As the others were discussing Takasugi's letter, Kondo looked at Katsura and stared at him for a few moments, before realising who he was.

"KATSURA!" Kondo shouted, making both Hijitaka and Sougo look in Katsura's direction.

"Ha ha ha ha!" Katsura laughed. "I was wondering when you'd notice." He pulled a smoke bomb out of his pocket. "Elizabeth, thus end our appearance in this part."

_I hardly said anything._

Katsura threw the smoke bomb on the floor, filling the room with smoke as he and Elizabeth made their quick getaway.

"After him!" Kondo shouted.

Kondo and Sougo both ran out the door while Hijitaka spoke on a walkie talkie. "Zaki! Get the cars ready! We spotted Katsura!"

As all three Shinsengumi members ran off in pursuit of Katsura, the only one left were the Yorozuya trio.

"Well…that was an eventful mess." Shinpachi said, as he slowly walked back to the settee.

"I wouldn't call that a mess." Gintoki responded as he picked his nose.

"There was no format to it! There was no story of anything, it was one big mess!"

"Don't worry Shinpachi." Kagura chimed in. "People are reading a Gintama fanfic, they should've expected this."

"Exactly!" Gintoki said. "This is Gintama, we don't do things in the normal way. We do things in the way we want."

"I guess." Shinpachi sighed as he sat down. "But still, we can't keep making every part like this. Even the anime got serious at times. If we're Gintama we need story arcs as well."

"And we will, right now we're just giving people want they want; sex and laughs."

"That's what makes the world go round, right Gin-san?" Kagura asked.

"Precisely. Though next time…" Gintoki put his hands behind his head and his feet on the desk. "I'm not being involved in the sex scene."

"And seeing as Shinpachi can't be involved with anything related to sex, we'll need to find some other people to do that for us, so that we don't lose our rating."

"What rating? This is the first part…" Shinpachi said.

"Hmmmm…." Kagura started thinking. "I wonder what the next part will be like?"

"If it's anything like this part, I don't want to be involved."

"You weren't involved very much anyway Shinpachi." Gintoki said. "You were just there to appeal to the people with glasses so they have someone to relate to."

"Not this! We can't make glasses jokes here! It's a different format!"

Suddenly a loud crash was heard at the side of the building, as a giant spaceship had flown into it.

"Ah Kintoki! I'm not late, am I?"

"S-Sakamoto-san? Mutsu-san?" Shinpachi said, fulfilling his role again.

"We didn't get the invite till just now." Sakamoto said. "But we arrived here to help you out Kintoki, ha ha ha ha."

"I suspected we would be late, but the idiot insisted we came anyway." Mutsu chimed in.

"What did you need to help me with?" Gintoki asked.

"The fanfiction. I know how bad these things can get." Sakamoto replied.

"No you don't. You're not an important enough character to be in a fanfiction." Gintoki stood up and started kicking the spaceship. "Go back to only appearing in the openings. We don't need you here."

As Gintoki continued kicking the spaceship, a knock was heard on the door.

"Gintoki-san." Tama said. "You're rent is due know."

Tama opened the door and found that there was no-one inside the house, instead there was just a massive gaping hole where the spaceship was.

"Ha ha ha!" Sakamoto laughed. "I knew I was here to help you."

As his spaceship flew around in the skies, Gintoki, Kagura and Shinpachi wondered if the next part would end as horribly as this one did and if they'd have enough money to pay rent eventually. But seeing as this is a piece of fanfiction, we won't be addressing that fact and instead will have more insanity in the next part.

"Oh great…more of this…" Shinpachi sighed.


End file.
